I Corinthians 7:9
This one is gonna get me in trouble! But hey, I can handle it. It’s all about maturing in Christ, right? It might get tight, but it’s right.
I have a lot of conversations with married Christians. Tons. Most are amazed that I’m celibate, at the age of 44, and not completely crazy. They often question if I have “the gift”, which usually follows with questions about why I’m not in China, or India, or somewhere else in the world, sharing my faith on the Lord’s battlefield.
“Girl, the Lord HAD to give me a husband! He knew I couldn’t make it, cuz I have a strong sex drive! God gives us all what we need! You know it IS better to marry, than to burn!” 
I’ve always found statements like that to be kinda…irritating. The assumption is that I don’t “need” a husband, because I have learned (by trial and error, and God’s grace) how to manage my sexuality, and have chosen NOT to marry, simply because of a lack of self-control. The greater assumption is that God doesn’t really expect us to bring our bodies under subjection — we can just marry, and our lack of self-control will be cured. Is that it? I doubt it. Too many married people continue to “burn”, long after the vows. Too many Christian married men (and women) are addicted to pornography, and unhealthy/inappropriate relationships.
Now, I believe II Tim 3: 16, and I believe Paul was inspired to write what he wrote. HOWEVAH, I don’t think Paul was saying that under any and all circumstances, it’s best to marry, to control sexual passion. Paul was much too together, to mean that. I’m all for keeping it simple, but not for simple thinking.
Self-control is one of the Fruits of The Spirit. Can’t get around it. Sometimes (especially in this sex-saturated society) our “burning” is not due to “good fuel”. Meaning, we need to discover the source of the fire, that can’t be controlled. What’s fueling this “burning” that we can’t manage?
I don’t need sex to exist in a peaceful state — this is coming from a single Christian woman, with a very healthy sex drive. I experience sexual desire (sometimes intense), but I’m not consumed by it. I’ve had to make some difficult lifestyle choices (that many Christians won’t make), because I don’t want sexual desire to weigh too much in a decision to marry, that will result in much regret, later down the road. Nobody talks much about that.
Nobody talks about the FACT that in too many instances, single people are having more sex, than married couples. You get married, so you CAN get some regularly, and you end up gettin’….none (yep, that’s right), or not nearly as much as you thought you’d be gettin’, once it was legal and all “godly”. I know the enemy of our souls gets a good laugh out of it all. “Silly rabbits!”
What am I saying? Well, I’m saying that in this race, you will never outrun the need to control your sexuality. The world, and your flesh, won’t let you. You will always have to deal with a drive, that wants to operate outside of God’s ordained boundaries. When you’re single, the temptation is to fornicate. When you’re married (from what I’ve heard), the enemy tries to keep you and your mate from coming together — or tempt you to “come together” with somebody other than your spouse. The attacks, designed to get you off track don’t let up. Only the strategy changes.
You may discover that the “hot and always ready” woman you THOUGHT you married, has morphed into a woman, with a lot of dysfunction — due to sexual abuse as a child, unhealthy attitudes about sex (she’s only aroused when it’s “inappropriate”, so now that you “can do”, she no longer wants to), etc. But you didn’t know that, before you said “I do”.
You may discover that the man who wouldn’t touch you, when you were both single (you thought he was real “godly”!), won’t touch you, after you’re married. He’d rather “touch” the computer screen, or the images in the magazine — or just somebody other than you.
This stuff happens, in the Body of Christ. Marry somebody, IN THIS DAY AND AGE, just to keep from “burning’, and you may find yourself in a “fiery furnace”, sho nuff!
A Nappy Girl
I needed to read this…………….
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I couldn’t have said it better myself. The part about the source of the burning fire is an essential point to consider. The lust of the eye, the pride of life… and what about the void that can only be filled by God, that we try so deperately to fill with everything and everybody? Yes Ms. Nappy Supreme, you have said it well.
Msafrodite
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[quote post="220"]The part about the source of the burning fire is an essential point to consider.[/quote]
Amen. When I talked about folks making some startling disoveries, after the wedding, I wasn’t playing. Human beings can be really selfish. We marry to be ministered to, not necessarily to minister to somebody else. We think because somebody loves us, they can fix us.
So, a woman will marry a guy, knowing deep down that she’s got some issues that will prevent her from functioning in her ministry as a wife. Why? Well, maybe because all of her friends have made it to the “promised land” (marriage), and she doesn’t want to be left out.
If I could say ONE thing to married couples (especially the sistas, who get excited that another sista MIGHT be headed towards the altar), I would say this:
:angry LEAVE DATING ADULTS ALONE. Pray, and ask for God’s leading/direction. Don’t add your own “two cents”. You don’t know what a person is dealing with, in their deep places (unless God gives you some insight, and even then…). You may be encouraging the worst hook up, in church history.
Let God direct folks to marry.
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Hey, I just came across your site via JazzTheo. Thanks for this post. As a young twenty-something, I’m still so totally lost on so much of this. It’s good to have people like you to guide the way.
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[quote comment=""]Hey, I just came across your site via JazzTheo. Thanks for this post. As a young twenty-something, I’m still so totally lost on so much of this. It’s good to have people like you to guide the way.[/quote]
Yep, it’s good to have an “old 40-something” big sis, to help you along the way! :heart
I’m messin’ with you!
Seriously — Guard what you allow into your spirit. Most of the psychological/spiritual damage done to singles is done in your age group. Most of it comes from the pulpit, from married leaders (well intentioned as they may be). Our role model, Jesus, was a single, never-married man.
My prayer is that God will send wise folks across your path, who will help you continue to develop into a confident, whole, humble, sane, spiritually savvy Christian, regardless of your marital state.
Thanks for stopping by!
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wow this is so powerful!
okay so i have a ton of questions
1. If you dont mind me asking, why have you chosen not to marry? are you just waiting on God for your man, or have you just made up your mind not to marry?
2. And is it bad to think ( im 18) that when im married that anything goes sexually? I am a very serious about my Christianity and will remain a virgin till I am a married. I thought that when God gives you a man, you can share the gift of sex anyway you like as long as its not with other people (3somes) or through itmes like toys and pornography
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To: Gheto Fabbabi07
I wanted to personally encourage you in your stand and decision to remain a virgin until you are married that is a an awesome decision. I remained a virgin by the grace of God until I was married. Not only that but God also blessed me with an amazing husband who also remained a virgin until marriage. Everything turned out wonderfully we got to experience everything together. Faithfulness pays off in the end. When you remain faithful to God he will always be faithful to you.
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God is faithful…even when we’re not. All of us struggle, with being “content” in the state we’re in. But that’s not conditional for God to bless us. If it was, who would get anything from God? God blesses us…because He’s good, and gives good things to us, even when we don’t measure up. I’m a witness to that, so I can’t say different. I don’t deserve ANYTHING GOOD from God, yet God is so GOOD to me. Go figure.
Mates are not “rewards”. That’s an imagination that needs to be cast down. Marriage is work. Hard work. So, if God wanted to “reward” me for being a “good, content woman”, an imperfect man would not be it — as I’m sure I wouldn’t be also, for a man. As great and wonderful as spirit-filled saints are, we still are works in progress. So, I view marriage as ministry, primarily.
Contentment is for US, not for God to bless us with…something or someone. Godliness, with contentment is “great gain” (I Tim 6:6). For who? For…ME. When I’m able to be satisfied where God has me, it has me in the right “mindset”, so when folks/situations come into my path — whether it’s a mate prospect or a business opportunity, I can “see” with the right “eyes”. Marriage is a choice.
So, the vow to remain a virgin until marriage doesn’t mean that you will always end up with a husband in the end. I wish that were true, but it’s just not. Life doesn’t always work that way. This is not heaven, and we all have to live with unmet desires, and unfulfilled dreams. That’s why we long for heaven. We live godly lives, because it pleases God and we owe Him a debt we can’t possibly pay. Obedience is our way of honoring God, for His saving grace that extends to the least “perfect” of us all. If God can save me (the greatest gift that could ever be given) as a sinner, I wouldn’t think husbands are reserved for only the “content and satisfied”. Single saints have a lot of issues, and that often prevents us from being suitable mates to one another — God ain’t got nuthin’ to do with that. That’s all us.
BTW, I’m not trying to be contentious, but I think some of the thinking about singleness, contentment (if one were TRULY content being single, why would they marry?), and blessings needs to be fine-tuned.
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Alot of things were taken incorrectly and to clear up somethings about my entry here is what i meant. I do believe that God is faithful…even when we’re not and that it is not conditional for God to bless us. The comment I made about when we are faithful to God he will be faithful to us was not meant to be taken on a conditional bases. I think you took it the wrong way. What I did mean was sometimes we all get weary in well doing and sometime we feel that God has for forgotten about us. Just as you have stated Obedience is our way of honoring God. In us honoring him he blesses us in many different ways not always materialistic or relationships wise. God never forgets those who are have a pure heart to serve him and of course we all fall by the wayside sometimes but God knows our hearts. Also In no way was I trying to say that my husband was a reward for good behavior . However I do look at my husband as a being a blessing in my life although he is imperfect I am greatful for him in all of his imperfections. To address the comment about being a virgin and waiting until marriage does not always end up in marriage. I was in no way implying that either. I was not giving a recipe to insure that you will receive a husband or get married, but what I was doing was sharing my personal testimony. As I stated in my other comment we all have our own unique process that shape and mold us.The way things turned out for me was for me the way they will turn out for someone else is their own journey. As you have said Marriage is a choice yes it is a choice and some poeple have a stronger desire to get married than others and that is understandable. God knows the desire of all of hearts. Marriage does take alot of work more work than alot of people realize and it is a ministry. Those that choose to get married for sex are in for a rude awakening, because once the honeymoon is over and the reality sets in that you are with the person for the rest of your lives that is when the weak are separated from the strong. Marriage is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to face, beacause it calls for so much compromise and to evaluate yourself instead of pointing the finger at someone else. When I was speaking about contentment I was not talking about singles being content I was talking about us being content in everything career,confidence,bodies etc.
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Actually,
I replied to the wrong reply you wrote. I was commenting on the second reply.
I understand that you didn’t mean to imply that marriage is a reward for being content, a virgin, and god-focused, but that’s the message that single women have been “hearing”, for years. It’s always something we “need to do”, or “be”, or we’re “not doing”, that’s keeping God from “blessing” us with a husband. Men don’t have to be or do much — other than be…men, and not necessarily all that. A suit, and a bible can seal the deal.
You’re always welcome to share your viewpoint (and I hope you continue to do so). But I will sometimes challenge you, as others challenge me. It keeps us all…thinking, and keeps the cliches at a minimum. Because too many single women in black churches (especially) are hurting, because they have a God-given desire to be wives, and it’s not happening. Christians often offer very simplistic reasons as to why and what needs to happen, to make God “send the man”. We just need to “focus on God”, and “be content”, and…POOF! The man will come, with open arms, a big heart and a big…house. Singles conferences are booked to the gills, by women, wanting to hear “What must I do, to get a husband?”
Yet, we all know of women, who lived life on the wild side, got saved, and 6 months later, got married — to the “best brotha” in the congregation. When you’ve grown up in the church, and kept your virginity, and served on the Africa missions team 10 years in a row, that can be a hard pill to swallow — quiet as it’s kept. No, I’m not talking about me.
Life is like that, sometimes. I’m just trying to add balance. Didn’t mean to make light of your testimony — it’s how God worked in your life, and no one can take that from you. But I’m speaking to/for the rest of us, those who have grown weary and are close to fainting. What am I to tell them? “Just keep holdin’ on and be content! Your man is on the way!” Nope, that’s not what I’m going to tell them, because I don’t know where “the man” is. God knows, though. I’m also going to encourage them to “water the grass” on their “side of the fence”, whether the man comes or not. Live life. Be happy, cuz what you’re waiting for to “complete the picture” may not come, OR it’ll come MUCH later than you expected. So, in the meantime….
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I think the misconception comes when women feel that they are the only ones that need to get it together before marriage. When in actuality Men have to do the same thing as well both people have to evaluate themselves before things can take place. Not just surface things like good job, house, car, good credit, but some deep set things that if not dealt with separately can ravage a union. No you wont have every single issue together before you unite because somethings you will iron out together. Also It is not always because a single person has things the need to fix in them selves. God just may need them to wait and im not sure how long or why only God knows. I dont believe that people should use spiritual conferences as their primary source. God should always be our primary source for all direction in our live, because man doesn’t have all the answer. Sometimes he may not give us the answer we want or he may not say anything at all. I know we know women who wild out and then like you said 6 months later are engaged and married to the nicest man at church. The grass looks greener on the other side some people get married because they feel like they have waited long enough or because they want their dream lavish wedding or even because the man that they have fits all the surface criteria. The problem is that many marriages may seem ideal on the outside but are full of hell in the inside. Just because some men may seem like the total package if you really get a chance to know them their will be flaws and imperfections that you may not want to deal with. Alot of people put on their good church face when they walk in to those doors, and you never get to see them in their true element.
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[quote comment=""][quote comment=""]Hey, I just came across your site via JazzTheo. Thanks for this post. As a young twenty-something, I’m still so totally lost on so much of this. It’s good to have people like you to guide the way.[/quote]
Yep, it’s good to have an “old 40-something” big sis, to help you along the way! :heart
I’m messin’ with you!
Seriously — Guard what you allow into your spirit. Most of the psychological/spiritual damage done to singles is done in your age group. Most of it comes from the pulpit, from married leaders (well intentioned as they may be). Our role model, Jesus, was a single, never-married man.
My prayer is that God will send wise folks across your path, who will help you continue to develop into a confident, whole, humble, sane, spiritually savvy Christian, regardless of your marital state.
Thanks for stopping by![/quote]
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[quote comment="6939"]wow this is so powerful!
okay so i have a ton of questions
1. If you dont mind me asking, why have you chosen not to marry? are you just waiting on God for your man, or have you just made up your mind not to marry?
2. And is it bad to think ( im 18) that when im married that anything goes sexually? I am a very serious about my Christianity and will remain a virgin till I am a married. I thought that when God gives you a man, you can share the gift of sex anyway you like as long as its not with other people (3somes) or through itmes like toys and pornography[/quote]
1)I haven’t chosen “not to marry”. I’ve chosen to remain single, until I meet the man who would make me seriously consider giving up the single life. I came close to getting married, and I’m so glad it didn’t happen. I’m very comfortable being single (85 – 90% of the time), so it would take a lot for me to be willing to give that up. I’ve seen a lot over the years, and I’ve discovered that the grass is greener, where it’s watered. I’ve learned to flourish where I’ve been planted. God is faithful.
2)What goes on between a husband and wife, is between a husband and wife. I don’t visit other people’s bedrooms. Where the bible is clear, it’s clear. Where the bible is silent, I think folks should depend on their own personal convictions, based on their relationship with Christ and each other. Where there is no biblical mandate, there are still biblical principles we use to decide what is right, and wrong.
Finally, kudos to you for making a decision to remain a virgin, until you marry. We don’t see that much, in this day and time. God will honor your desire to do things His way.
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Great post. I found you via another blog, I will be visting more often thanks for a good post.
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[quote comment=""]Great post. I found you via another blog, I will be visting more often thanks for a good post.[/quote]
Thanks for visiting, Ann. Glad you enjoyed the post! :smile
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[quote post="220"]LEAVE DATING ADULTS ALONE. Pray, and ask for God’s leading/direction. Don’t add your own “two cents”. You don’t know what a person is dealing with, in their deep places (unless God gives you some insight, and even then…). You may be encouraging the worst hook up, in church history.
Let God direct folks to marry.[/quote]
Now that is some good advice. Some very unholy unions have been encouraged by nosey, into everybody’s business church folks. My husband and I didn’t even let the congregation know we were dating. We wanted peace and the freedom to decide, with God’s guidance, where we wanted the relationship to go. Our pastors knew. Some close family and friends knew. That was it.
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When you’re single, the temptation is to fornicate. When you’re married (from what I’ve heard), the enemy tries to keep you and your mate from coming together — or tempt you to “come together” with somebody other than your spouse.
Ok so this made me laugh out loud. But it is so true. When I was single, I found everyway possible to have sex. Now that I am married, I am too tired to have sex, which of course drives my husband crazy. When you are married you have to find different ways to keep sex exciting because you have done everything possible when you were single.
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The saying is that the single folks have more sex than married people (at least in the church) — that’s not funny, but it’s sad and terribly ironic.
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One interesting thing, the Bible DOES tell spouses not to defraud each other ( concerning your mate’s desire ). If your spouse doesn’t stoke your passionate fire seek counsel immediately. I have been through 3 marriages and have not become bitter. I was not saved during these marriages and entered in with the wrong mind/heartset. Marriage is not to be entered lightly. The old joke that marriage is the leading cause of divorce has run its course in my life. Now sex in marriage is something to be enjoyed OFTEN!! There are scriptures saying you should be drunk on your mate’s lovemaking. God designed sex and sanctified it for marriage, which I have stumbled all too many times in my music career. A sexless marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce!!!!!! The Song of Solomon is dedicated to the beauty of erotic love ( although many ministers and pastors have tried to de-sexualize it saying it is only an allegory of Christ’s love for the church, oh really!!???). If sex wasn’t part of God’s plan why and how did the Song of Solomon wind up in God’s Holy Word?
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This chapter is titled in the Hebrew/Greek NASB as Advice on Marriage. Here the apostle Paul instructs the church on marriage GOD’s way and that if you could not operate in self control then marry. Now self control is something we struggle with in the flesh, that is why Paul himself, says he dies daily. Prayerfully, each person is connected with the one GOD has for them and in that process find themselves unable to wait until the wedding date then they should marry as the BIBLE instructs. We all must submit to the HOLY SPIRIT, this will help us not to yield to the flesh. Boundaries must be set, accountability must be in place and an constant fellowship with CHRIST MUST stay! Our hearts desire must be to please HIM and not sin against HIM! Trust me, it
is not easy, but it’s possible. The battlefield is the mind and when we focus our attention to the LORD during those heated moments, the devil really do flee! The problems is sometimes we don’t want to let go of the imagines in our minds, we meditate on them and go down the wrong path, but if we call on the LORD during those times HE is FAITHFUL TO DELIVER each and everyone of us! Let us all press towards holiness so we can receive all that the LORD has for us!
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@Miller
Thanks for visiting! I almost missed your comment, cuz this post is old. However, I appreciate the dialogue.
To reiterate, my point(s) are:
Self-control is a fruit of The Spirit that needs to be practiced in singleness AND in marriage. Marrying does not cure self-control issues, from what I’ve seen. When that scripture was written, things were much simpler. While I’m first to agree that the scriptures are “timeless and valid” even in today’s time, I’m also going to say that I think because of the times we live in, there’s a need to think and pray about the best way to apply the scriptures to our lives.
Now, you can’t marry JUST to keep from “burning”. You need to think about some things, or you’ll end up in a “hot mess”. Folks still “burn”, after they get married. Why is that? Figure out the source of the fire, and deal accordingly. If marriage is the answer, then by all means, do as the Holy Spirit leads.
What happens if your spouse is unable/unwilling to have sex? That happens. Then whatcha gonna do? If you couldn’t control yourself before marriage, what makes you in control after the marriage vows? I’m just askin’. You know how many married brothas have approached me, “testing” the waters to see if I’d jump in? Now, I’m not deceiving myself about my own level of “attractiveness”, cuz I’ve got sister friends all over the country, who can attest to the same type of behavior from married men (in the church). I’ve often thought to myself, “Now, you GOT a wife, a pretty one at that, and you tryna get ME to drop it?”
Sin complicates that which is very simple. Lot of men (and women) are addicted to pornography, and they’re sittin’ up in church in denial. The “fire” they’re experiencing is based on some unholy “fuel sources” that marriage will definitely NOT cure.
So yes, we are to yield to the Holy Spirit in all things — but I see a danger in the Body of Christ, when we don’t rightly divide the Word of God, AND when we don’t deal with underlying issues in our lives and choose to hide under the marriage covenant. Bad news.
Be wise. Seek God and let Him repair your soul. Don’t jump into marriage trying to put out a fire that marriage will NOT extinguish.
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Your post title totally caught my attention. :) I love all your thoughts and kudos to you for remaining celibate! My husband would confess the main reason he married me was so he wouldn’t burn…and he soon found out that wasn’t the answer! We’re going to raise our children telling them it’s better NOT to marry (like Paul instructs), but it is not wrong TO marry. I want them to do whatever the LORD wants for them either way, but I just know Paul was right when he said “there is much trouble in the flesh” in being married (much blessing too – but you have the tough times with it). Anyway, look forward to reading more of your stuff as I have the time. God bless!
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Thanks for stopping by, Heather!
Thanks for your perspective. I think more married folks need to fess’ up and help the younger singles. I’m not saying that there aren’t some GREAT Christian marriages, and I also think Paul spoke as a man who at one time WAS married — but the church has done a terrible job at preparing single folk to be…single.
Stop by, when you can…
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Hey, Liked reading the post and the comments even after it being such a long time since it was written. Personally, being a twenty something year christian male fresh out of college and reading this; it gives a certain peace which has been hard to come by (being single that is) after previous relationships. Good stuff!
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