Why is it when women express insecurity about their looks/attractiveness, women often make it about somebody else, rather than the actual women with the issues?
“Oooh girl, you’re so pretty! If a guy doesn’t find YOU attractive, he’s clearly insane!!”
Really? Why can’t a guy not find you attractive? Now, I’m all for thinking positive about yourself, and knowing that you’re beautiful…but it’s for you, not for other people. Because as gorgeous as you may be, everybody won’t think so. There are people, like me for instance, who tend to go for unconventional good looks on a man. The men most women swoon over, make me yawn.
If a man doesn’t find you attractive…he doesn’t find you attractive. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with him. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that he’s blind, dumb, shallow…or whatever. It means that you don’t appeal to him physically, for whatever reason. That’s all it means, and that’s enough. End of story.
Sometimes we need to really think about what we say. That’s just like somebody saying I’m blind, because I don’t find Shemar Moore drop-dead gorgeous. Now, we can joke about it (and we do among our friends), but when it comes to trying to help women who have self-esteem issues, we need to actually help, and not hinder.
It’s tragic that it’s STILL all about how we (women) look. It’s also good to mention that finding a man who loves, respects and appreciates ALL of you is a formidable task…for pretty women, not-so-pretty women, nappy-haired women, and straight haired women. Beauty doesn’t guarantee happiness. Look around.
We gotta change the way we think, ya’ll, so we can speak sense into nonsense. Many of us have daughters and nieces to influence. You don’t usually “out grow” wrong thinking. It has to be uprooted and cast out, and replaced with right thinking.
When you have the opportunity to be a “light” in someone’s life, shine bright. Speak the truth, with love. Don’t feed the dysfunction. Get to the heart of the matter.
A Nappy Girl
Hey Tracy,
I enjoyed you blog today :-) Beauty really is only skin deep. Attraction is not always based on beauty. It’s possible to be madly attracted to someone who’s “average.” Furthermore, people should realize, being “beautiful” will not make a person love you, treat you with respect, or maintain a healthy living relationship. Not to be insensitive, but Halle Berry is considered to be one of the most beautiful women by many folks standards and she hasn’t had a successful relationship that I know of. That’s a testament to the fact that beauty ain’t everything.
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On point, Meredith…you are absolutely right!
Some of the most BEAUTIFUL women get picked apart daily online, by all these female “fashion/beauty” critics, who can find fault in the best of us.
So, where does that leave us? You can never “win”.
Sheesh! I do confess I get SO annoyed with the fixation on looks. Yes, I understand that we all like to be admired by the opposite sex. I really do. But goodness, is there some balance?
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I’m visiting your blog for the first time. I’m a guy and this post is very interesting! Very timely and well said.
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Absolutely. The trick is recognizing the dysfunction. How much of our “programming” as we grew up fed into the balderdash that we must be pretty to be accepted? Princesses, Miss America, Barbie, all fed the Beauty Queen syndrome. Why isn’t there such a thing as a Cabbage Patch Teen? Only babies are cute with fat cheeks… except for the health aspect, of course. Come to think of it, dimples are cute in fat cheeks…
ginaburgess´s last blog ..Rûach
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I have to say that I’m one of those girls who’s only been told she’s pretty by her aunt and mother. Almost every man in my life, from my dad to my fellow high schoolers to strangers in the street have expressed that I am ugly and not attractive (this is in an African country where people are blunt). Moving to the U.S. didn’t help jack – the conventional beauties at my college ministry are married, and I’m still like “Hey, what about me?”
I always say this about inner beauty – yes, it’s important, but looks really are paramount, unconventional or not. I don’t focus on my looks much (to change anything would require plastic surgery, and the only body part I love is my hair), but I wonder how life would’ve been if I were prettier. It’s easy for people to say “Looks don’t matter!” if they’ve got some attraction from the opposite (or same) sex in their lives, but when there is barely one guy on earth who finds you attractive or only says “You’re gorgeous” to patronize you, it’s pretty much a defunct statement.
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@Neu
Thanks so much for coming by and leaving your heartfelt feelings about the matter. I feel you, and I understand your perspective. But…let me reiterate what I really wanted to get across to ALL women:
First off, I hate that you have to feel less beautiful, because some people in your life (who should have been your “champions”) chose to tear you down, for the sake of “honesty”, and “bluntness”. I’d like to see some pics of those guys…
Secondly,
I never meant to communicate that outward beauty doesn’t matter. It does, but that doesn’t mean the focus is not unbalanced, unrealistic and a tad obsessive. It is. Ever seen some of the “beautiful” Hollywood women, without makeup? They look way less intimidating, and much more like the rest of us. If most of us had the money to afford to go under the knife, have access to the best dentists, personal trainers, makeup artists and clothing designers, we’d be “beautiful” too. Most of us have to work with what we have, and learn to accentuate the positive. That’s all.
If beauty was the “ticket” to happiness, then why do we have so many “outwardly” beautiful women, who struggle with happiness and peace? Why do many have nasty attitudes, and broken insides? Because it (beauty) doesn’t deliver the goods. It doesn’t nourish the soul. It’s great for temporary “highs”, but it doesn’t sustain. Life is much more complicated.
Men (as a whole) can be terribly fickle. A man can have the most “beautiful” woman at his side, and yet he won’t be satisfied. He will always look for something “better”, or a way to indulge in excess. Ego is a big word, with just three letters.
The most unattractive male often feels he has a “right” to rate the attractiveness of any female…blows my mind EVERYTIME. Where does that come from? We let them manipulate us, and we allow their opinions of our looks to determine our value as HUMAN BEINGS. So, if we don’t look good to them, that means we are no good…in our totality. That’s ridiculous and I’m not havin’ it. I suggest you see the ridiculousness in it, and refuse to digest it as well. Everything can’t be about them, because they don’t deserve that kind of power. No human being does, male or female.
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