Why is it when women express insecurity about their looks/attractiveness, women often make it about somebody else, rather than the actual women with the issues?

“Oooh girl, you’re so pretty! If a guy doesn’t find YOU attractive, he’s clearly insane!!”

Really? Why can’t a guy not find you attractive? Now, I’m all for thinking positive about yourself, and knowing that you’re beautiful…but it’s for you, not for other people.  Because as gorgeous as you may be, everybody won’t think so. There are people, like me for instance, who tend to go for unconventional good looks on a man. The men most women swoon over,  make me yawn.

If a man doesn’t find you attractive…he doesn’t find you attractive. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with him. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that he’s blind, dumb, shallow…or whatever. It means that you don’t appeal to him physically, for whatever reason. That’s all it means, and that’s enough. End of story.

Sometimes we need to really think about what we say. That’s just like  somebody saying I’m blind, because I don’t find Shemar Moore drop-dead gorgeous. Now, we can joke about it (and we do among our friends), but when it comes to trying to help women who have self-esteem issues, we need to actually help, and not hinder.

It’s tragic that it’s STILL all about how we (women) look.  It’s also good to mention that finding a man who loves, respects and appreciates ALL of you is a formidable task…for pretty women, not-so-pretty women, nappy-haired women, and straight haired women.  Beauty doesn’t guarantee happiness.  Look around.

We gotta change the way we think, ya’ll,  so we can speak sense into nonsense.  Many of us have daughters and nieces to influence.  You don’t usually “out grow” wrong  thinking.  It has to be uprooted and cast out, and replaced with right thinking.

When you have the opportunity to be a “light” in someone’s life, shine bright. Speak the truth, with love.  Don’t feed the dysfunction. Get to the heart of the matter.

A Nappy Girl

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He passed on Sunday, in the evening. He had lung cancer. He was my favorite uncle. If you smoke…stop. If you don’t smoke, don’t start. Nuff said on that.

Suffice it to say, this “holiday weekend” has been anything but a…holiday. The funeral is Monday, the 14th. I absolutely hate funerals…always. I guess they help folks with closure, but my dearest grandmother didn’t have one, and what was good for her, is good for me (when I make my exit from this life, into the next).  Her thing was, “I’m going to be with the Lord, and I don’t need no long, drawn-0ut exit”. Amen.

Anyhow, pray for my family…as well as the many  families who lost loved ones recently. It’s always tough for those left behind…spouses in particular. It’s like your “main squeeze” is gone.

I’ll be back…

A Nappy Girl

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Sometimes it’s a struggle…just thinking “right” about ourselves.  The beauty standard in this society is so…narrow. If I hear “Megan Fox” ONE MORE TIME, I’m gonna scream! Yes, she’s pretty…but Black women don’t look like her. We’re pretty too…and as often as we may forget that, there’s always a reminder that pops up, and leaves you breathless…

Tomiko Fraser

A Nappy Girl

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Okay. I’m surfing the web this morning (it’s after 2AM, and I should be in bed), and I come across this blog post, referencing a comment made by a used-to-be-napptural sista, who gave up the her natural hair (and went back to the “creamy crack”) because….she wanted male attention, and brothas were not feelin’ her.

Another napptural  sister made a comment about how Black men have been “colonized” . Another agreed, offered no remedy, but stated she would only be with a Black man. Wow.

Hmmmm…well, I guess I don’t get it. I wish I WOULD relax my hair for a “brotha” who has hair growing out of his scalp just like mine….just to get “attention”. Is  “attention” all we want? Cuz you can get an abundance of that, and STILL end up lonely and alone.  People will often require that you fit into their box, in some way or another…hair is just one way you may be asked to conform. If you conform, you will eventually come to your senses (when you’ve matured), and while the awakening is freeing, it often means the end of relationships that were built on shaky foundations. So, you end up alone again.

There’s something about being willing to be something else, to get love and acceptance…it often makes one appear broken and pitiful. The vultures hover above, waiting to descend and destroy. You’ve set yourself up to not receive what you want most. How ironic.

I’ve never seen a woman, with napptural hair that suited her features and personality, who lacked attention from men. You won’t get attention from all men, and that’s okay, right? But if you wear your natural hair “apologetically” (like you’re sorry about it), you will have no problem drawing those who will find fault with your hair (to start), accept your apology and ask that you change. Why would you want that?

A Nappy Girl

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Essence magazine published an article many years ago, about the reasons men take phone numbers, but never follow up with actual…phone calls. I wish I had that magazine, cuz I’d make copies of that article and pass it on to EVERY woman I know. I remember most of it, and I’ve experienced some of it.

How many times has a guy asked for your phone number, and never called? How many times have you sat by the phone (hopefully very few), because you didn’t wanna “miss” his call? How much time have you spent analyzing a guy’s confusing behavior, only to end up confused and angry? Why do guys ask for your phone number (and don’t follow with a phone call)? Oh…let’s see:

• Because they wanna see if they can get it. It’s a game. Some guys like collecting phone numbers. Many have girlfriends/wives/baby mammas, but they like to run game, just to see if their game is tight. They have no intention of calling you. They make bets with their friends, to see who can get the most numbers, before the evening ends.
• Because he just had an argument with his girlfriend, and he’s on rebound…just for the evening. But when he leaves the club/church, he’ll go back with his girlfriend. It’s nothing personal. You just got caught up in the crossfire. He was mad, and wanted to act out. Stop sitting by the phone. He’s not going to call.
• Because they think it’s the thing to do. Women are most bothered by guys who ask for their numbers, after an evening of stimulating conversation. They felt a “connection”, and thought the guy was all in. But the guy was just being…courteous? It’s like a way of saying “thanks for the interesting evening”, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants it to continue. That’s weird, but that’s sometimes how it is.

Bottom line: Who knows why he didn’t call? You don’t…and you probably never will. If a guy asks for your phone number, don’t make it “mean” anything, because it may mean nothing. Your phone number may be one of many collected that weekend.  Don’t change your plans/daily routine, trying to be around, if he decides to call. It shouldn’t be that deep.  If he wants to talk to you, he’ll call until he reaches you. Keep it movin’.

A Nappy Girl

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